Waiting On Him: Sarah's Story

 

Sarah’s Story

I have grown up in a Christian home my whole life, which I am incredibly thankful for. At a young age, I always thought it would be easy for a Christian girl (I accepted Christ at age 7) in a Christian home to live the Christian way. I thought that if I was surrounded by God’s people that it would be easy to live right, walk right, and be pure in God’s eyes. I was mistaken. Just because someone knows, believes, and is surrounded by the truth doesn’t mean that everything will be a walk in the park.

At the age of 14, I went to a purity conference that was hosted by my church. This was about the time that I started becoming interested in boys. I wasn’t flirting with them because I was shy, but I still wondered if they liked me. At this purity conference, I was opened up to a new way of thinking when it came to purity and relationships. The woman teaching gave all of the girls there a sheet of paper that had these words in it: Calling/texting, hanging out, holding hands, hugging, small kissing (a peck every once in a while), frequent kissing (a more meaningful kiss, but not too much), passionate kissing, and intimacy. The way these scenarios were arranged was at the very bottom of the sheet were the words ‘calling/texting’ and at the top were the words ‘intimacy’, and everything else was in the middle of the page, listed in the above order. She then gave us all a pen and said that when we were in a relationship one day, where would we draw the line? Would we stop our relationship with small kissing, and save the rest for marriage? Would we stop at frequent kissing and have the strength to save everything left for marriage? So, she told us to draw a line under the scenario that would be our stopping point in a relationship. All the girls made their choice that night, and mine was to stop at small kissing.

After we had all made our choices, the teacher began to tell us the dangers with some of these scenarios, and how that if we didn’t guard our hearts, we could end up going further than the line we drew. I listened to her, but I didn’t take everything to heart that she was saying. Everything was true, but I had drawn my line and I wasn’t going to budge. I was a strong, Christian young lady living in a Christian home, surrounded by Godly people. I wouldn’t fall for the things that other girls fell for. I was a good girl with a line that couldn’t be crossed.

Wrong. I was so terribly wrong. While I kept my mind and heart pure for God and my future husband, I wasn’t mature enough to handle a relationship the right way. I was in two different relationships and both of them were born out of my selfishness of wanting a boyfriend because all of my friends had one. I truly liked the guys, but I was looking for someone to accept me. You see, what I thought was pureness of mind was not what God thought of pureness of mind. I was constantly thinking about a boyfriend and all the benefits that I could get from a relationship: someone to like and accept me, bragging rights, and not being lonely. When I would be in a relationship and I wasn’t getting those benefits, I would give more of myself, throwing all of my emotions into making the relationship work.

At one point, not only was I kissing a guy, but I found myself wanting to give more. I stepped over my line I had drawn, and I did it all myself, not just because a guy was pressuring me. I willingly wanted more, so I selfishly gave more. I was still concerned about not stepping over “that line” where one goes from being a virgin to not. The problem with that is once I erase the line, where do I draw it back? If I blur the line over here, can I draw it back over there and still be okay? In this whole process, I didn’t realize that I was getting my heart broken. I Thessalonians 5:22 says to “Abstain from all appearance of evil” and while I have heard this verse my whole life, it wasn’t until after my second relationship that I truly started running from evil. My whole life I had stayed away from the really bad stuff, but is that enough?

Around the age of 17, there were several nights where I lay in my bed crying, asking “God, what do you want me to do? Is there something better than this? Will I ever get married? What am I doing wrong?” There were so many questions and tears, and I had to give everything to Him. A little after my 18th birthday, I decided to save myself completely for my future husband, so I made a big commitment: I am going to save my next kiss for my future husband. This is huge for me. I also committed that I will not give my heart away to another man until I know for sure that he is the one God has for me. With this promise to God came another promise that I will not spend my days worrying about whether or not I will ever get married. Worrying about that alone was wearing me out, especially since I have surrendered to be a missionary and there is a big possibility that I could be on a mission field without a husband.

While I still wonder about my future and still dream of marriage and a family, I am not making myself sick over it anymore. I always had a low self-esteem because of my physical appearance, and I still struggle with it at times, but just knowing that God truly has control over me, I am not worried about what might be next. That has always been my biggest problem: trying to figure out God and His plans. So, I ask God all the time to take away my desires and replace them with His. He has done so...He has taken away MY desire for marriage and replaced it with HIS. The difference is incredible! I literally don’t have to worry! Before I handed everything to Him, I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be free from so many thoughts and worries. Now, I don’t see how I survived before! He really CAN handle everything, He really IS there for me, and He really WANTS me to live a better life!

One thing that has changed my view about purity and commitment in recent times was having an opportunity to go to an Eric and Leslie Ludy conference and hear the way they explain purity. Even though I made the commitment at 18 to save my kiss, body, and heart, these folks really encouraged me in a new way. At the conference, Eric Ludy made two comments that I hope never to forget. One of them was “Never pitch your tent.” Boy, was that a big problem for me! So many times I just settle with what I think is best, when there is actually something better God wants to show me. Another thing he said was “Your future spouse is alive right now!” Now, this was a little weird when I first heard it. Of course, my future husband is alive right now! As he went on, Eric Ludy explained that somewhere in the world, the person that God has for us is alive and is possibly going through the same things that we are. Some of the same difficulties, hopes, plans, dreams, worries…your future spouse is probably thinking like you! Then, Ludy said “Is it possible to live for and to be in love your spouse before you even know/meet them?” When he said that, God whispered to me and “Sarah, I want to live for your husband right now as if you are already married.” Woah…this is huge.

I started changing things big time after that. I look at things differently, think of things differently, and live differently. I am doing my best right now to live for my husband in every possible way to honor him. I am falling in love with him by falling more in love with Jesus Christ. And I have no clue who he is! I pray for him all the time. Some of the specific things I pray for are: “God, please show my husband Your love today. Please help him with whatever his problem may be right now. Please, comfort him in his pain right now. Please let him know just how close You are to him and how You are always there for him. Please help him to have a good night’s rest and a good day tomorrow. Please give him a hug from me and let him know that I am praying for him.” I pray all of this, and so much more. Pretty much anything I would pray for myself or a friend, I pray about for my husband. That’s a lot of praying. If there is one thing that has improved in my Christian walk, it’s my prayer life.

One of the best ways that I can feel close to my future husband is to study the Word. For some reason, every time I find some new discovery in the Bible or some new concept, I can’t help but think about him and whether or not he has discovered the things I have. I wonder what he may have found in the Scriptures that I have not. Things like that are what I wonder about, rather than worrying about so many trivial things that I did before. It’s such a relief!

There are still times when I distress over what is next so I have to give it all to God…again. My human nature wants to pick up my worries and burdens all over again and start lugging them around. However, as soon as I feel that burden on my shoulder, I’m like “Woah, Okay God, You can have them back!” And He is so faithful to help me out.

I am still waiting on him, I am still praying for him, and I am falling in love with him more and more because I have found my true Love, Jesus Christ. I want to be so close to Jesus that my husband has to seek Him to get to me. So, me and Jesus are hanging out. God has given me this period of being single for a reason: He wants me to serve him and be in his perfect will. There is a song by John Waller called ‘While I’m Waiting.’ The lyrics to the first part of the chorus mirror what I always want to do:


I will move ahead, bold and confident.
Taking every step in obedience,
While I’m waiting,
I will serve You while I’m waiting.

Have a testimony to share about how God is writing your love story?

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